“My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!”
Bill Cosby
“My father only hit me once — but he used a Volvo.”
Bob Monkhouse
“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”
Robert Orben
“I have always had the feeling I could do anything and my dad told me I could. I was in college before I found out he might be wrong.”
Ann Richards
“It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.”
Barbara Kingsolver
“Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.”
Jimmy Piersall
“The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.”
Bertrand Russell
“Man, if I can get a burp out of that little thing I feel such a sense of accomplishment.”
Brad Pitt
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
Ernest Hemingway
“A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.”
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”
Tim Russert
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say, “Yeah? When?”
Bill Hicks
“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”
Jack Handy
“My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding, and the baby at every christening.”
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“I love producing children. It’s fun! I don’t like taking care of children, but I love producing children.”
Donald Trump
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Here’s the cycle: They wake up, they cry, they go to the breast, they eat, they poo or pee, you change a diaper, and they go back to sleep. It’s much harder for my wife than for me because she’s pumping or nursing.”
Patrick Dempsey
“Forget about surviving 40 years in the music business. Just surviving 27 years of Nicole Richie has been a struggle-and-a-half, I want to tell you. I stand here as a survivor, I want you to know, for all the parents out there.”
Lionel Richie
“Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.”
Chris Martin